I mentioned the other day that I noticed anxiety brewing in my gut as my office became less home school oriented and more writing career oriented.  That phenomenon is still occurring, but I am continuing with the forward motion anyway.

I made a decision this January 2010 that this would be my breakout year.  I determined it was going to be the year of casting off old habits and negative self-talk that kept me imprisoned in my chains of self-defeat and discouragement.  It has been a very part of my 6-month challenge.  Facing yourself is not always fun.  That’s what Tiger Woods is realizing these days too.

It’s so much easier to whine, complain, excuse make and generally avoid facing up to all of the things that we do to ourselves that keeps us from becoming the people we want to be or accomplishing the things we say we want to do.

My life has been a curious blend of self-defeat and triumph.  There have been times in my life where I ran in the ruts of my mind like a rat in a maze trying to find the way out.  There have been other times that I’ve catapulted my way out of the ruts to the highest mountain top.  Both experiences have taught me that I’m capable of great success and great defeat.  Both usually by my own hand.  Anyway.

So, as I’m going about accomplishing what I’ve determined I want to accomplish, I’ve had to come face to face with my negative habits and defeatist attitude that has led me by the hand through so much of my life.  It’s been at times a comfortable relationship, because as you know, the older you get, the harder it becomes to change.  Not impossible, but darn near it, it seems.

One source of my anxiety is that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.  I’m not a lone in this phenomenon as we often watch small businesses trying to grow too quickly and they fail on a monumental scale.  Slow, focused and determined growth is the surest path to success any way you slice it.

So, in my desire to achieve and accomplish, I’ve spread myself way too thin with my blogs and other writing demands.  I write for Associated Content these days, along with a writing course I’m taking and I have 6 blogs.  Two of which I’m trying to keep up with and the other 4 are screaming at me to do something about them.  I have not been able to.

In fact, I’m hardly able to keep up with the two most active, this one and The Perimenopause Blog.

So, I’m going to have to face up to the fact that I cannot do everything and be good at anything.  So, something has to give and I’m afraid I’m going to have to back away from The Magnolia Dairies for a time.

I know I’ve often said I wouldn’t be blogging for awhile and then I end up coming back.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  But, this time, I honestly don’t think I’ll be blogging here at The Magnolia Diaries that often.

I have no intentions of shutting this blog down.  But, since The Perimenopause blog is taking off like a rocket and I’m seeing opportunities open up for me in the writing arena because of it, I think it would be wise if I took more energy and focused it on a smaller target rather than throwing a little bit of me at several different targets.

I wish I had boundless energy and capacity to multi-task like my own version of Octo-mom, but I cannot. I have never been good at juggling too many balls and at 53 years of age, chances of that changing are pretty slim.

So, it is with great regret and probably even greater relief that I am going to focus only on The Perimenopause Blog and my writing career for the immediate and foreseeable future.

I am going to refrain from making grandiose statements about what I would like to do with this blog, because, frankly, I’m too tired and frustrated and have to admit my short-comings.  I cannot do it all.  Period.

So, enjoy what content is here and please check me out at The Perimenopause Blog. This will be the last post at The Magnolia Diaries for an indefinite period of time.

You may also find me here at Associated Content.

Don’t think I haven’t been thinking about this challenge and the fact that I haven’t been posting daily as I said I would.  I have.  Been thinking about it a lot.

Rather than whine about the fact that I’m struggling like crazy to figure this situation out  -  yeah, I know……what situation? ( um, the situation of being able to decide to do something and then actually follow through.  Which I clearly haven’t done a very good job of ?) I thought I might tell you what I think the real problem is.

Fear.

Namely: Fear of Success.

Huh.  You may be wondering.  Is there such a thing?  Well, yes.  Yes, there is.  Except most people (myself included) rarely take an honest look at said fear because they are spending too much time keeping themselves distracted by procrastination and excuse-making to face up the fact that they are scared shitless to make a change.

Never mind that the change that is needed is obvious, perhaps.  Or that it involves doing something that you’ve said you want to do and have wanted to do for most of your life – like a writing career for me.  It’s just so much easier to stay where we know the boundaries.  Even if those boundaries suck.

It’s easy to deduce that if one struggles with following through on change that it could be fear of the unknown.  And I’m sure there is an element of that to the situation.  But, really, at least for me, it’s not fear of the unknown, it’s fear of success. If you’ve never been successful, you just don’t know how it is supposed to feel.  You know how failure feels.  That’s like an old friend or an old pair of shoes.  Completely broken in and form-fitted.  It just feels right.

But success?  I don’t know what that feels like, so how will I know it when I have it? Okay, so maybe it is fear of the unknown.  Fear of the unknown success and how it may feel.

Okay, so, whatever it is: Fear of the unknown.  Fear of success or fear of the unknown success.  I must confess.  I have it.

I noticed this strange feeling beginning to emerge when the mess in my office was getting cleared up.  What this meant was, I was making progress toward a goal I had set.  Which was:

• Get your office organized

• Sell off all of your home school materials

• Set your office up to begin a serious writing and blogging career.

• Set up a schedule that I would actually follow through on every day

• Write.

So, as I got closer and closer to the last thing, which is to actually, you know, write. I began to get antcy.  At first I wasn’t entirely sure why.  I just knew that my anxiety levels seemed to rise in direct proportion to the amount of clutter that was being replaced by order in my office.

My analysis on the situation?  On a subconscious level, as I began to see that I was inching toward the process of working on what it is I say that I want, a writing career, I began to become afraid.  Watching my office clear up and become organized was the signal that it was time to “do” what I say I want to do.

I am finding this entire process fascinating.  Unnerving.  But, fascinating, nonetheless.  I hope my talking out loud is useful to you in some way.  If not, eventually, this blog will get around to becoming more about you.  But, for now, it’s still very much about me.

You know, that’s the way my life goes.  The further I get away from the beginning of something, the more blurry it becomes.  When I’m looking backward, anyway.  So, I went back and found this post to refresh my memory.

Ah yes.  I wanted to begin exercising.  Actually, it was my daughter who wanted to exercise and I decided I would join her.  So we did.  Or, we tried. It began to prove itself a bigger challenge than I anticipated (doesn’t it always) and then as time rolled by, my 47 day challenge morphed into the 6-month challenge.

Then, of course, the 6-month challenge morphed into all kinds of things that tend to rise to the top when one decides to change something about one’s life.  That’s actually the challenge part, I think.

However, in spite of the “challenging” part of the challenge, I’m glad I did this.  Because though it puts pressure on me, I think it’s a good thing.  Without pressure very little would get done.

Here’s what I’ve learned during this challenge:

• I’m really unorganized
• It’s easy to *say* something.  It takes backbone to *do* it.
• When the going gets tough…….it’s hell.
• What are you trying to prove anyway?
• Are there really people out there in the blogosphere?  And if there are….do they care if you fail or not?
• Will the real Magnolia please stand up?
• What the hell am I doing this for? (loosely related to: what are you trying to prove any way?)
• If you keep doing this maybe you’ll figure out what the hell you’re doing it for and what, exactly, you’re trying to prove.

Okay?  So that’s that, ladies.

Now, onto something different.

I did my first radio interview with Feisty Side of Fifty’s, Eileen Williams, at Blog Talk Radio.  You can read about it (and listen) at The Perimenopause Blog. You can also go here to listen if you prefer. I must confess, it was a bit nerve racking, but all in all, it went very well. 

The Perimenopause Blog is taking off in ways that I didn’t anticipate. I think that is part of my overwhelmed, chicken with the head cut off phenomenon I’ve been experiencing.  That, and I can’t seem to do anything without complicating my life with a million other distractions simultaneously.  It’s the ADD talking, I’m sure.

My readership is growing.  Google seems to be liking me over there and I’m finding myself achieving something in the SEO (Search Engine Optimization) world, called Page Rank.  This is a good thing.  Trust me on that.

So, the readership is growing, I’m receiving books practically every week to read and review and well, the pressure’s on.  The pressure is on to get organized and focused.  Now, like I said, already, this is a good thing.  But, before anything can get accomplished, well, you have to figure out what you’re going to focus on exactly.

Truth be told?  My head is spinning.  But, the good thing is, I’m beginning to get a vision for Volume II of my life.  Which I find completely fascinating, because, well, when I began blogging in 2007, it was precisely because I was entering a new phase of life and I wanted to talk about it.  I wanted to explore it.

Well, I’ve done that, I would say.  It’s taken lots of twists and turns and dips and dives.  But, much like Michelangelo, the life inside of the material I began with, is starting to take shape.

I still don’t have it all defined or carved out, but, I’m getting there.  I’m getting there.  Hang with me if you dare.

Okay, so one of my biggest struggles with my challenge has been the fact that I cannot seem to get my day to day life under control.

I’ve been a home school mommy for about 10 years and for the past 2 years have been phasing out of that into public school.  It’s been a slow, difficult transition for lots of different reasons which I don’t care to discuss.  BUT, I am almost totally out of the home school zone and have been spending the past two weeks sorting through, organizing and selling my home school materials.

It’s been quite a task, let’s just say that.  In the process, I’ve also been trying to get a good day to day routine that includes house cleaning (oh, and that wonderful mop!) and setting a good schedule that includes my DVD’s for my back.

But, good news.  I’m getting there.  My home school office is now pretty cleared out and organized and I’m making room for my writing materials, books, computer, printer, etc.

I have grand goals for The Magnolia Diaries that are still taking shape, but, as I de-clutter and simplify my life, it gets easier to clarify them.  I’ve been feeling a little bit of emotion as I transition out of home school mentality to public school mentality.

Mainly because my oldest child will be 19 this summer, my middle child is 16, coming up on 17 and my youngest, well, she decided 10 years ago she would chart her own course.   So, I’m starting to come to grips with the reality that my parenting/mothering is going to take a new shape as well and it’s a little difficult for me.

I don’t think I’ll have one big crisis when they all fly the coop.  I think mine will occur in stages.  Like this one.  A little bit at a time and I’ll cry a little bit a long the way.  But, that fits my style in general anyway.

I did a radio interview with Eileen Williams from Feisty Side of Fifty. I plan to post the link to that interview this week along with a book review for Eileen’s new book.

See you all then!

How’s that for a title?  Huh?

Okay, so let’s get right to it. Magnolia’s life is getting organized.  I’ve been weeding out, clearing out and and selling off home school books in order to make room for other pursuits – like my writing.  So, that’s a good thing.  It has also been the reason I’ve been slow this past week to blogging about my challenge.  But, I’m still in the saddle with this thing, so hang with me.

I’ve done two of my Yoga DVD’s.  I’ve done Deep Stretch/ Yin Yoga with Mimi Solaire and Back in Shape by the same person.  Here’s the deal with these Yoga exercises, I’m not too fond of all of the “see your breath going into your lower back” kind of stuff.  Or, “drop your breath into your pelvic area”.  Because, first of all, how do you see your breath doing anything, much less into your lower back?  And can you “drop your breath into your pelvic area?”  Because I can’t.  If you’ve got some any good tips, I’m all ears.

Many years ago – like, close to 30 now.  Yikes.  In my quest for the eternal truth of the universe, I was very much into Yoga.  I mean, like really into it.   So into it that I would get up at 4:00 in the morning just to twist myself into these poses thinking that doing so was going to get me closer to God.  It never did.  Because as soon as I untwisted from the pretzel position (not really.  There’s not a pretzel pose in Yoga) I was still the same old gal I was before.

But, I will say, as far as the exercise portion of Yoga goes, it’s tops.  In fact, if your suffering from any kind of joint or back pain, like moi, I would highly recommend it. So, all of that to say that the philosophy of Yoga annoys my very Western mind, but the exercises are superb. The next one on my list is going to be Yoga Therapy for Back Pain.  You can’t get any more straight forward than that and so, just for the title alone I’m giving the DVD props.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

The next thing on my list for back health is going to be one of these inversion tables by Teeter Hang Ups.  I’ve been looking at them for about two years now. They range from about $300 to over $3,000.  That’s because some on the lower end of the price scale are manually operated.  Which means you do the inverting with the handles on the side of the table.  With the motorized model you press a button.

From what I’ve gathered, they’ve been reviewed and researched by everyone under the sun and they seem to be the best product out there for this type of therapy.  I know for me, just bending over from the waist and letting myself hang really helps my lower back. So I’m thinking 15 minutes per day of this inversion stuff (which is what they recommend) is going to be very helpful.  I’m pretty sold on them after all I’ve read, but since I haven’t actually used one yet, I can’t tell you if it’s a good product or not.  I will definitely let you know when I do.  You can look at them here at Amazon if you’re interested.  They have several different models.

Who would have ever thought I would be excited about a mop.  But listen to me, all ye with back issues, the Shark steam mop is the mop for you.

I’ve tried all of the newer mops on the market.  The ones with the funny paper ends (can’t for the life of them think of who makes them now), the Swiffer models.  In fact, ALL of the Swiffer models.  I hated every one of them and kept going back to my trusty cotton mop.  And truthfully, I still love a good old fashioned cotton mop, but with my back, mopping the floor is just OUT of the question.  Not to mention, my kids can never do the kind of job that makes me happy, so my kitchen floor hasn’t exactly been, um, shall we say, clean?

So, anyway. I’m out shopping the other day for a new vacuum cleaner and I see this Shark steam mop.  After looking it over for a few minutes I thought, why not.  One of the things that appealed to me about it was that mop heads were removable and washable.  So, I threw it in the cart along with some extra mop heads and brought it home.  I tried it out that night.  It did an outstanding job.  I’ve used it twice since then and I’m thoroughly convinced that it is one of the best purchases (outside of my Dyson vacuum cleaner) that I’ve made in YEARS!

Here’s why:  You don’t have to bend your waist over to mop.  Listen, for me?  That’s the answer.  I’m 5’8 or somewhere there abouts.  I’ve never mopped in my life where I didn’t do some serious bending at the waist.  That was all well and good 25 years ago when I was 30-something and fit as a fiddle.  Now, I’m 53 and well, you know the back story.

It has this really long handle that when pushed forward, pumps and releases water which steams onto your floor.  Ladies, it does a superb job.  I don’t think I would ever want to be a vacuum cleaner sales person, but as much as I love this steam mop, I would hawk it in a heart beat.  I would seriously give the Sham Wow guy a run for his money.

Look, even if you don’t have back issues, it’s an outstanding mop.  But, just the fact that I can push this thing and not have to bend over AND it does an outstanding job mopping my floor?  Sold!

Another couple of tips.  It says you cannot put any kind of chemicals in the water tank.  I’m not so sure that just water will clean my floor.  So, what I did was put a splash of my favorite floor cleaner on the floor and mopped over with the mop.  The steam and water from the mop mixed with the chemical on the floor and did an outstanding job. When you are done, you can remove the cotton mop head and throw it in the washer.  You can’t beat it. You can find them at Kohls (which is where I found mine) or you can also get them here at Amazon for the same price.

So, those are my back tips for the day, folks.  See you tomorrow!

So, it’s been a week I guess since I last posted about my challenge.  That does not mean, however, that I haven’t been *thinking* about this challenge and telling myself…..”You need to post on your blog”.  Because, well, I have.

I have begun using my DVD’s.  I am now on the 3rd one and have determined that I should use a different one every day until I can figure out how to use them.  In other words, is there a combination of exercises I can do to accomplish what I need to accomplish which is wellness.

Health looks decidedly different to someone over fifty.  During my twenties, thirties and even in my early forties, fitness meant hopping on a bicycle or throwing on a pair of running shoes and hitting the pavement.  It never occurred to me that I would have issues with my body rebelling.

It was not until I was say, forty-six or so that I realized things had changed.  I mean, they had really changed.  I couldn’t run like I used to.  I tried, but I remember distinctly my knees beginning to give out.  Sharp pains shooting up and down my legs and each time my feet hit the pavement, a jarring sensation that sent the message loud and clear – you can’t and shouldn’t do this to your joints.  So, I was forced to stop and for the first time in my life, I felt my age.

Okay, I had felt my age prior to that.  I mean, I gave birth to a child at nearly 43 years of age.  When she hit 15-months old and was, as my husband often described it, “all thrust and no vector”, I felt my age.  She had boundless energy that compelled her forward.  And she particularly felt compelled to move forward when I was asking her to do something she didn’t want to do.  Running was her favorite activity and with mom in hot pursuit it was always a game she never seemed to tire of.  Believe me, I felt my age then.

But, that was mommy-fatigue.  Every mommy feels that.  Realizing that my physical options were becoming limited sent the signal that I was aging  in the AARP and senior discount way and well, gosh, who wants to think about that?

I said in my last post that this challenge was about more than fitness and sobriety.  And it is.  It’s about changing.  It’s about refocusing.  It’s about life after fifty and how unbelievably different it is.

There are parts about life in my fifties that I love.  Other parts, not so much.  There are things I would like to reach back and capture once again.  I don’t even have to go back that far.  Who needs to be twenty-something again?  I’ll take forty.   At least at forty I could still run if I wanted to.

At fifty-three my options are more limited.  Senior water-aerobics is where I am now.  I have no intentions of doing senior water-aerobics, but they’ve invited me.

I won’t be going.

In a previous post, I  mentioned that I had actually decided on the direction and refocus of The Magnolia Diaries.

At the time of that post, however, it had slipped my mind.  Estrogen issues, I swear. But, since that post, a few synaptic connections were actually made and viola’, memory.

Much like my day to day tendencies in general, I have played out my angst, self-reflections and just basic life meanderings on this blog.  I have used The Magnolia Diaries as a place to define, re-define and even refine a few personal goals, dreams and life pursuits.

The Magnolia Monologues was born from The Magnolia Diaries, because way down deep in my soul, my heart’s desire is and has always been, to be a writer.  Of course, a writer writes.  And technically, I’ve been writing here for over 2 years now.  That pretty much qualifies me as a writer.

But, the creative, artistic part of me wants to be a writer that does more than just peck out a few blog posts.  I’m talking about a writer that connects and inspires some how.  The kind of writing that speaks something to someone somewhere.  Because, ultimately I’m a people person.  I’m a people person who needs to connect with other people on some level, pretty much every day.  Even if that means I hide in a library and blog.  I’m connecting.

So, that part of me brought The Magnolia Monologues into being.  It is about 3rd on my list of priorities these days because of this and that and lots of other things too.

But, it definitely has a future and as more and more opportunities open up in my life (which means, as I have less demands on my life as a mom) I will have more opportunity to develop and expand that blog.

My menopause issues have given birth (oxymoron anyone?) to The Perimenopause Blog.  I realized a few months ago that perimenopause is a huge topic and draws in a never ending stream of readers.  It was only logical to break that topic off into a separate blog.  It was, without a doubt, a very good decision.   And seein’ as I’m STILL not entirely menopausal, I’ll have plenty to say about perimenopause.  In the here and now and certainly in the future.

So, that leaves The Magnolia Diaries.  My 6-month challenge has been about more than just exercise and sobriety.  It has actually been about reclaiming a part of myself that has been long lost the last 20 years beneath the daily demands of motherhood, marriage, divorce and remarriage again.

My oldest child will be 19 years old in a few short months.  My middle teen and youngest are rapidly growing up as well.  I suppose with mid-life changes and the fact that my children will not be children, but young adults very, very soon and leaving the nest, I’ve been looking around and doing some evaluating. Serious evaluating.

This brings me to The Magnolia Diaries and its purpose/focus/mission statement, if you will.  In my self-reflections, it has occurred to me once again that people always respond to humanity.  Meaning, people respond to truth in life and what it means to be human.  Yeah, yeah, I know, the philosophers among us will say…..what is truth…….I know that.

I’m talking about emotional, intellectual and spiritual honesty.  I believe every human being on some level responds to that type of truth.  I also believe that because we live in a world of advertising, image selling and illusion (particularly in the Western cultures) we tend to lose sight of that.  This doesn’t stop us from gravitating toward it when we see it or sense it though.   Look, why do you think Oprah is a freakin’ billionaire?  It’s because she is “every woman”.  She has struggled in life, like so many others.  She has faced difficulties and trials in life – particularly with her weight.  And she has chosen to talk about it honestly and openly and to share it with others.

Whatever you think about Oprah (and sometimes I think she’s totally full of shit, frankly) she knows what it means to connect with pe0ple and that is why she is so successful.

So The Magnolia Diaries will continue it’s evolutionary journey through life, as I continue to grow and change.  My deepest desire is to bring hope and inspiration to people.  I think the world needs hope.  It needs positive.  It needs goodness injected into it in the worst way.  You’re not going to get that on the news, in politics or in television.  And unfortunately, you won’t always find it on the Internet either.

But, I can choose to be a voice of hope and encouragement for people.  A focal point for truth?  Well, no.  But, certainly a place where I can choose to put something kind, useful and helpful out there.  Besides, just a little bit of light dispels darkness.  Try it.

Those are my beginning thoughts.  As I continue to think on them, you’ll see the direction of this blog beginning to emerge.

You know.  One way or the other I’m going to learn something from this stupid undertaking.

My blogging buddy (and now phone buddy, cause we made that first step), Cherie made a couple of insightful statements.  One of them being that she has learned that if she says she will do something every day, she won’t.

She also said you can’t fight against genetically wired bio-rhythms.  Hence, my DNA coded aversion to exercise in the a.m. hours.  I have to believe there is some serious truth in this.

I’ve never, and I mean, I’ve never enjoyed nor been faithful to exercising in the morning.  In the past when I’ve known perky, chirpy, happy-to-exercise-in-the- morning people (usually women) they have failed to convert me.  It has also seriously damaged our relationships.

But, anyway.  Even with an a.m. exercise buddy I’ve been a total failure.

A lot of has to do with the fact that I’ve always held my early morning time as  sacred. That is the time when my brain works with the most clarity.

I’m also my least ADD-ish in the morning hours.  Meaning, I can usually focus very well and if there are tasks requiring mental work, those are the hours it will likely get accomplished.

I’ve also used those hours for spiritual pursuits.  Prayer.  Bible reading.  God talking.  Talking out my life ishoos and stuff like that. And of course, coffee.  Or tea.

But, whatever you do, don’t ask me to talk to you.  Really.  Don’t ask me talk. Unless you are God.  I’ll talk to him.  The rest of you take a number.

And by all means, don’t ask me to walk fast, skip, hop, jump or do anything that requires the proverbial statement of “hitting the ground running”.

Unless of course, you are fully prepared to deal with one very cantankerous old broad.  Because that’s exactly how I will be.  I’m just sayin’.

Anyway – I think this post has been one of those “free associating” type things.  If you can find purpose or rhyme or reason in it.  Good for you.

My take-away value is that I plan to learn something from this challenge.  What that something ends up being still remains to be seen.

Well, this past week has been one of facing anxiety, which I talked about in my last post.

Facing anxiety and more anxiety facing.  I can’t say it’s been particularly insightful, productive or useful. Just thought I would tell ya.

I have used exactly one of my DVD’s.  Deep Stretch/ Yin Yoga with Mimi Solaire. It’s a good one.  So, I can say that 1/5 of my purchase was worth it.  I’ve not made it to the STOTT PILATES: The Secret To Flat Abs with Moira,  Back in Shape: Relax, Strengthen, Condition Your Way to a Healthy Back, Yoga Therapy for Back Pain (a nice straightforward title for you no-fuss kinda girls) and then finally, Viniyoga Therapy for the Low Back, Sacrum & Hips with Gary Kraftsow.

All I can say about that is Yoga must really be hitting the big time if Yin and Vini now have their own Yoga style.  If Guido ever does Yoga, well, I’m done.  There is just something terribly, terribly wrong with that.

So, today I plan to finish or at least try to make more progress toward organizing and clearing out stuff in what used to be my home school department I guess you could say.  I have an office that is devoted to home schooling and it is complete with thousands of dollars of home school materials.  They must go.  Most of them.

I’m transitioning from home school mommy to non-home school mommy.  It’s a welcome transition that brings on a little bit of emotion at the same time.  I will also pull out the Yoga mat and try another one of my DVD’s today.

I haven’t been drinking.  I know I said a while back I wouldn’t discuss this topic any more and I won’t.  Beyond saying that I’m not drinking and I’m completely okay with that.

I am also still in the serious herky-jerky stage of menopause.  I have a cycle.  I don’t have a cycle.  Sometimes for 2 or 3 months.  Then bam.  I get one and it’s not pleasant.  Complete with menstrual cramps, sore breasts and one serious attitude problem. Usually tears.  But that’s the way menopause goes I guess.

Anyway.  I’ve been rethinking The Magnolia Diaries’ mission statement and I swear the other day it was crystal clear.  I should have written it down because, today, for the life of me, I can’t remember what I was thinking when it was crystal clear.

Don’t you hate it when you know that the only chance of success is squarely on your shoulders?

Because, I don’t know about you, but I find life so much easier when I can punt the blame and responsibility right into someone else’s court.

So, I don’t know if you’re interested or not, but if you are, I thought I might tell you that I know why I want to drink wine.  It’s because, when I’m not drinking it I actually have to think about what it is that’s bothering me.  It’s because I have to face up to the fact that I am a procrastinating lazy ass.  (a term I’ve stolen from dear, Cherie.  Except she said “butt”)

Having also spent nearly a complete college degree’s worth of time in psychology and sociology classes, I’ve also given a fair amount of time to considering the real source and motivation behind procrastination.  It’s called perfectionism.  And here’s a little more irony for you on a Tuesday morning just in case you may have the notion that perfectionism is based in everything being perfectly in order and your life runs like a well-oiled machine.  It’s not.

Um, no.  Perfectionism is based in horrible fear and insecurity.  Ding. Ding.  Didn’t know that?  Oh yes, dear Magnolia Diary readers.  Fear. Deep fear and insecurity.  Yeah.  And if you want go all Freudian about it and everything, it probably has something to do with your freakin’ mother too.

I don’t know about the validity of that.  (the mother part) But, I do know that demanding perfection and then the equally as destructive procrastination are co-dependency buddies.  I know.  It doesn’t make sense.  At least, not on the surface.

But, procrastination is avoidance.  We avoid because of fear and anxiety.  I have much.

But, I will spare you any further psycho-analysis because, frankly, it’s beginning to border on the absurd and well, I have things to do.  Okay.  Let me rephrase that.

I have things to procrastinate over and avoid.

The DVD’s are in the building.

Who ever you are?  All two of you out there?  Yeah, I know the rules of blogging.  Write for an audience and they will come.  Well, I guess since I do a lot of writing where I *do* consider the audience, I thought I might use The Magnolia Diaries as well, imagine that, a diary.

No, seriously.  I really do want to target this blog to *something*.  I just don’t know what.  The problem with most fifty-some-thing’s is that most of us are not online.  Really.  It’s a generational thing.

So, it’s not like there are tons of fifty-something year old women searching the Internet for some clever little blog to read.  They’re not.  But, I will not rule out that I’m totally wrong on that one.

My Perimenopause Blog is hopping most of the time.  But, that is a topic that pulls people in.  In fact, when I blogged about my perimenopause here, that was what drew people in and inspired me to separate that topic off and devote a blog just to that.  So, I did.  But then, I couldn’t figure out what to do here.

I still don’t know.  Which is what gave birth to my lil’ challenge, which in case you haven’t noticed has been, um, challenging.

I’m waiting for my DVD’s to show up so I can begin doing something to help my back.  I never thought I would be at such a place in life that I couldn’t run anymore.  Or even walk fast.  And it may be that after I pay some serious attention to this back problem that I might be able to do more.

I’ve kind of reached critical mass here though and the cold, hard facts are that I’m going to be 53 next month and my back has gone to hell.  If I don’t want to be in a wheel-chair or using a cane or walker, I better take this Yoga/Pilates for the back stuff seriously.

In the meantime, if you are interested in reading my writing, you can check me out at Associated Content.