AA, Why Write & A Few Other Random Sputterings

AA

Yeah.  You see that correctly.  I went to my first AA, and yes, that would be Alcoholics Anonymous, meeting today.  Actually, I went to two. 

It was difficult.  I’ve been emotional all day and have felt an enormous amount of pain.  I can’t exactly identify the source of the pain or make much sense out of my emotions right now; I just know that the first step of the twelve step program defines my life right now:

Step 1 – Admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable.

So, that’s me right now.  I haven’t always been at this place.  It has been an acquired state – much like my taste for beer and wine.  In other words, it has occurred over time. 

I’ve had my battles with addiction.  Those that know me well know this, though not everyone who knows me does.  It is not something I discuss much.   But, just for the record, and in case you might be taking notes, I was a bono-fide, full-fledged drug addict in my teens.  That I survived those years is nothing short of miraculous and I do not use the word miraculous lightly.  It surely was.

For most of my adult life I have not believed that addiction or alcoholism (if you can even separate the two) were a disease per say.  I think of a disease as something like cancer or diabetes.  Yet, if I am truly honest with myself and in considering a few observations I have made over the past few years, I would have to say that I do believe the propensity towards addictive/alcoholic behavior is most definitely hardwired into one’s DNA somehow.  That is not to say that I believe people can’t help it if they have these types of issues.  I believe they can.  I have helped myself with my addictions and have seen far too many people help themselves with alcoholism. At its core, though, I believe that all addiction is a spiritual problem.  But, I also believe that ALL of man’s ills can be ultimately traced to spiritual issues. 

Anyway.  So, my life has become unmanageable and I have turned to alcohol to keep from thinking about it.  Up until about one month ago, I thought perhaps I was beginning to become dependent on it, but wasn’t completely convinced that I had a full blown alcohol problem.  However, this all changed when I went through a two week period without alcohol and began to experience cravings, anxiety, nausea and headaches. 

Today, I finally admitted I needed help.  I’ve been trying to quit for months and failing each and every time.  Each time I failed, I hated myself. The more I hated myself, well, the more I wanted to drink.  It is a crazy cycle to say the least.

To walk into that room today and admit to a bunch of complete strangers that my life was out of control unnerved me to the depth of my soul. Over the years, I have built some pretty big walls about my heart and have dug some really deep trenches to keep anything and anyone at bay that I have perceived as a threat.  To allow myself to become that vulnerable scared the shit out of me.

I have no intentions of chronicling my journey with AA, though; I’m not going to say I won’t write about it. Right now I’m a bit shell shocked and maybe too close to the situation to have any real clarity on what I’m feeling.  For now, I need to say it out loud at least. It takes a lot of energy to hold back pain and I’m exhausted, tired and sick of playing the charade. 

I have a drinking problem and I’m going to Alcoholics Anonymous.  I’ll keep you posted.

Why Write

I keep asking myself why it is I want to write.  I’ve struggled with wanting the approval of others – namely, you, to give me the permission and courage to write.  But, I’ve committed the ultimate cardinal sin among writers and have not written for myself.  As you might expect, this has been exhausting too.  

I can’t constantly analyze every word that comes out of my mouth for acceptance, approval or validation from you.  I can’t get sober for you and I can’t write for you either.

I will write.  But, I will write for me.  I will get sober for me and I will write for me.  I keep thinking though, that the sober part has to come first.  So, the writing will come when it comes.  In the meantime, I’ve signed up for a personal essay class with Sheila Bender at Writing It Real.  It was my family’s Mother’s Day gift to me. 

Other Random Sputterings

It was hard for me to say this out loud.  Not as hard as it was to walk into that room today and admit my life had become unmanageable, but it was still hard.  But, I don’t know any other way to get well except to say the truth.

The truth is, I’ve got a drinking problem.  I may eventually call myself an alcoholic.  I don’t know.  But, right now, to admit I have a problem and that I need help is a bold step.    

I used to think that alcoholic people were small, weak people.  Now I think maybe I was the one who was small and weak by judging them.  Living in denial is the easy road out.  Calling cancer a cold will kill you eventually. Facing up to your life and calling things what they really are will give you your life back.