And the weirdness continues

I know why I do not want to call myself an alcoholic.

It’s because I’m not an alcoholic.

I have developed an alcohol problem over the last 3 to 5 years and have actively engaged in alcohol abuse.

I have used alcohol to avoid feeling what I was feeling.  I have used alcohol to dull the pain, the confusion, the depression and the despair.  The long and short of it is that alcohol has been my escape.  Much like television, food, shopping and reading have been.  The downside to alcohol is that dependence can occur.  Well, I guess you can say that about anything one uses as escape, I’m thinking mainly of a physical dependence.

I was married to an alcoholic.  The kind who woke up and could knock down a whiskey sour at 7:00 a.m.  The kind who could drink all day long and still walk a straight line.  The kind who had the smell of alcohol seeping from every pore in his body.  The kind who, when he started drinking, would not stop.  The kind that I’ve heard the people at AA say they once were.  I am not that person.  Not even close.  I never have been.

I am a very self aware person.  Sometimes too self aware.  Self awareness is something I think alcoholic people lack.  At least, during their drinking period.  When they become sober, part of the healing process is to take a mental inventory.  You cannot take a mental inventory without a keen self-awareness.  I’ve spent my entire life evaluating and examining most every thought and feeling I’ve had.  It is what has allowed me to conquer drug addiction without one day of rehab and put down cigarettes cold turkey.  It has also given me the strength to make monumental changes in my life throughout my adult years. 

It has kept me from being swallowed up by my horrific and abusive upbringing and it has brought me straight to the mountaintop in my search for God and truth. It is also what will help me to kick what has become a very nasty dependence on alcohol – namely, red wine.

As I lay in bed last night pondering the reality of walking into those meetings, I realized that I had gotten exactly what I needed.  A paradigm shift.  To be able to change anything about your life, there has to be a shift in focus and perspective.  I’ve been able to do this very easily for most of my entire life.  I have not been able to do it for the last 3 to 5 years.

Walking into that meeting last week shocked me.  In a huge way.  It rattled every nerve and shook loose every thought that had compacted itself into the darkest corners of my heart.  Everything that I had been stuffing and avoiding rose to the surface that day and burst forth amid sobs and tears.  The room was mainly men and I think I freaked them out somewhat.  Very few men seem to know what to do with a woman’s tears and these guys were no different.  They were kind to me though and accepting. So, I guess maybe they did know what to do.

The next couple of meetings were similar except I cried less and laughed more.  Especially the last one.  It was a room full of women.  About 50 of them.  They told their stories and welcomed mine.  They gave me the floor for a few minutes, but not long.  I’m sure that’s part of the process.  Newbies get to listen more than they can speak.  That’s okay by me, because I learned a lot by listening.

I said this weekend that I loved the honesty of the people I saw in AA.  Without a doubt, it was the one factor that was the most remarkable to me and stood out among everything else.  These people had worked through the issues and the emotions that had driven them to drink.  They weren’t hiding from anyone anymore – especially not themselves.  They had peace and it was written all over their faces.  It came through with their stories and the humor that helped them tell their stories.

They weren’t afraid to admit the truth.  The truth about alcohol for them is that they are powerless over it and when in it, their life becomes unmanageable.  When they are not in it, they manage.  Funny thing about truth - you know it when you hear it.  It’s not always easy to identify, but I believe most of us have a built in bull shit meter.  We just don’t pay attention to it enough. If we did, we might find ourselves in the middle of more truth.

Jesus Christ said that when you know the truth, the truth shall make you free.  I know that the truth he was speaking of was not a personal truth, but God’s truth.  However, the principle is fantastic and it can certainly be applied I think.  Nothing is more calming and centering than calling a spade a spade.  Saying what you really feel, even when it makes you vulnerable and scared is the only way out of prison.  Refusing to turn away from the ugly will only keep you in its clutches and that is a prison that is worse than hell in my view.

I’ve not had a drink in almost a week.  I will not be drinking anymore.  I am sure of that.  Until now, I could not have said that.  Because, I was still wrestling with the fact that I wanted to drink.  I wanted to drink and I wanted to drink without feeling guilty.  Maybe that day will come again, but truthfully, I don’t care if it does.  My future is not going to be about looking for the day I can drink again.  That would only be inviting more trouble I think.  I just don’t want to drink anymore.  Period. 

Chances are I will go back to the meeting with the 50 women.  Ruby is there.  Ruby is an 80-something year old woman who told me plainly when she walked up to me……”I like you”

I liked Ruby too.  Something tells me Ruby will accept me, even if I don’t say I’m an alcoholic.