I just thought the Air Force was the land of acronyms. But, it seems AA has more than a few of their own.
Whatever works I guess.
HALT was the first one I noticed and have been thinking about it for the past day or two.
Which, I might add have been completely alcohol free, as have the previous five. Anyway. To keep oneself from falling into the temptation to drink, AA suggests that its members HALT. HALT and think – are you hungry? Angry? Lonely or tired? Because, supposedly, if you are, you may find yourself falling off the wagon if you do not attend to these needs.
I guess I would bring this little ditty back to the “self-awareness” that seems to be at the bottom of most efforts to change. Paying attention to one’s triggers and body signals takes a little skill to learn and master. Thankfully, I’ve always been hyper-vigilant when it comes to self-awareness (sometimes to my detriment I might add) and so, paying attention to how I feel is very easy.
I am convinced that my failure to quit drinking until now has been the complete lack of desire to quit. I wrestled with how to drink without quitting. I wanted to cut down. I wanted to drink every other day. I wanted to not think about watching the clock every day until 5:00 p.m. so I could “officially” be in the cocktail hour. I didn’t want to stop. I just wanted to feel in control. Unfortunately, I wasn’t.
Walking into my first AA meeting one week ago was a shock to my emotional and mental system. I was scared. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I even wondered if my menopause had finally sent me over the edge. What the hell was I doing sitting at a table sobbing with all of these “drunk” people staring at me?
But, I made myself go back to another the next day. And another the day after that. By the time I made it to the third one, I felt less freaked out and a little more……I don’t know…….a little more – something.
Today I still feel the knot in my stomach. I still feel a little freaked out and a bit odd. But, I also feel like I’ve finally made a decision. I don’t want to drink. I won’t be playing the mental games with myself so I can negotiate my way into a bottle of wine. No stupid promises to myself that I’ll only have one. No frustration because I can’t seem to moderate myself no matter how hard I try. And best of all, no despair and paralyzing guilt because I failed once again.
I was thinking last night about the years I struggled with trying to stop smoking. It was likely one of the worst battles of my life when it came to addictions. I was pathetic to put it very mildly. Every day for nearly 10 years, it was a battle. It was not only a battle to keep from lighting the first one, but it was the mother of all battles after the first one to keep from smoking 3 or 4 packs. Yes, I really smoked that much. It was an OCD loop that was short-circuited in my brain in a HUGE way.
Eventually, I clung to the hope that if I could make it through ONE day, just one, full, 24-hour cycle, I would be free from the clutches of cigarette addiction. It sounds so simple and to a non-addict, probably pretty desperate. And it was. It was also the reality I was facing as a person with major addiction issues. 24 hours was the mountain top.
I climbed that mountain and failed day after day after day after day. Each day, as I tumbled down the desperate path, my self-esteem would go down with it. I HATED my complete lack of self-control. In fact, my self-hate was the most painful of it all. At the end of the day, it wasn’t nicotine I needed, but a quiet soul that didn’t hate every breath my body took. I needed to not hate myself more than I needed that cigarette.
One day, I was finally able to elevate my need to not hate myself over my need to have a cigarette and I was victorious. It’s been nearly 30 years since I’ve smoked a cigarette and I can’t begin to tell you what that did for my soul. After I made it through one day, it was done. I was finished and I never smoked again. Just one simple day – that’s all it took.
AA operates on a one-day-at-a-time principle. I can certainly see the wisdom in this. For some, the idea of never drinking again is far too overwhelming a concept to embrace. For others, like me, well, it feels heavenly.
I honestly didn’t realize that my challenge wasn’t that I was stumbling over the idea of never drinking again. I was stumbling over the fact that I just didn’t want to stop. Not really. I said I did. I would even begin a day trying to quit. But then, the negotiating chatter would begin and I would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how to drink without succumbing to the entire bottle again. Simply put, I couldn’t.
Today I can. Yesterday I could and tomorrow I will be able to also. I don’t want to drink anymore. Nothing. Zero. Nada. It feels great. There are no warring factions in my soul today. I’m at peace. Praise God.
