Map Quest

I’m approaching a cross road: the fourteen day mark of sobriety that I’ve not been able to pass in the last few years. 

To date, I’ve only been able to reach fourteen days before I would crater and open a bottle of wine.

Last night, I imagined myself as a seventy-something year old woman.  Not drinking.

I used to see myself as an old woman – drinking a glass of wine.  For the first time, I wondered if I would really commit to a life of total sobriety.  Obviously people do it.  My father has done it.  Our former president has done it.  Many have. The question is, will I?

I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that the thought was a bit disconcerting.  But, I slept on it and today, like most things after a night of slumber, the thought is easier to consider. I still have that weird, knotty feeling in my gut – somewhat, anyway.  And I’m definitely having to wade through some pretty intense emotional stuff.  But, I feel able.  I really do. 

I’ve said in at least two posts in the past week or so that until now, I had not made a decision.  I only wrestled with making a decision and my indecision won out each time.  I’m going to make my fourteen day marker this week.  I will also make it past that day, because, I decided to quit drinking eleven days ago.

One thing that aging has brought me is the realization that decision making is the easiest part of any undertaking.  Talking about changing is also pretty easy to do too.  I’ve done plenty of that, that’s for sure.

It’s after the decision is made and the honeymoon phase is over that the real test of your mettle occurs.  How serious are you about your change?  Because if you’re not, the head down, nose to the grindstone type of stuff that presents itself, can knock the wind out of most anyone’s sails.

This is likely what has kept me from making an honest decision before now.  I just didn’t want to face the real work of staying sober.  Like, facing up to all the crap that I’ve been avoiding like the plague for umpteen million years.  Oh, it’s still there alright.  Just waiting to rise to the top and say….”hey.  I’m still here.”

Yeah, I know it’s still there.  But, I’m ready this time.

Writing 

I’ve mentioned that I’m beginning my first official writing class this summer.  I’m delighted.  It is a 4-week online class with Sheila Bender.  Sheila is an essayist and poet.  If you’ve not heard of her, you can check out her blog here.  Cherie, one of my wonderful, online, supportive friends (along with Miss Cheryl) has written a wonderful piece of writing on her blog.  She has inspired me to write about one of my family members for my first essay to submit to my class.  I’ll be starting that this week.  But, please, if you’ve never spent any time at Cherie’s blog; do yourself a great, big favor.  She’s one of those laugh out loud funny writers.  Not to mention, she just inspires me so much.  Go see her.

I’ve given up the notion that I need to be cranking out something special everyday on my blog.  What a relief that is.  Talk about pressure.  Saying something every day is really easy for me if I don’t have any ridiculous expectations and demands that I craft a heady piece of writing each and every time.  So, you might find my posts a little more “daily”.  But, it will also take a huge load of my back and give me the breathing room I need to just be Magnolia and write whatever the hell I want to write, whenever I want to write it. 

I suspect my essay writing and a few other things I want to work on will happen slower and more out of the limelight.  I plan to post my work from my writing class – maybe.  We’ll see how that goes.