Feel better? I could have used someone telling me that about 10 years ago when I walked right into one of the fiercest hormonal battles of my life. First of all, I had never heard of peri-anything. Menopause? Yeah. I had heard of that. My mom called it “the change” and I knew that sooner or later it would happen. I just had no clue exactly when or how. But, peri-menopause? Umm, no.
My mother was fully menopausal in her early 40′s. I thought it might happen that way for me. too. That is, I would turn 40-something and then it would just happen. Yeah. Stop. Just like that. But at 51 and still getting that monthly visitor, well, it’s safe to say it didn’t happen that way and I’m now charting my own unique path.
So what isthis thing called perimenopause and how exactly does one get it??? Well, the word “Peri” simply means, “around or about”. So, technically, perimenopause is “around or about menopause” You are approaching it, but you’re not completely there yet. I guess in our mother’s day this time would have just been called…”going through the change”. You’ve heard that right?
That’s what my mother always said when she talked about women who were in the middle of it. “She’s going through the change”. It always had this ominous ring to it and she always said it with great sympathy in her voice. Like, “the poor girl, she’s going through the change” And well, now I can see why. It’s brutal. We need all the sympathy we can get.
For me, it started when I was 41. I had this “phantom period” as they call it, that essentially came from no where and for no apparent reason. 
No signs or signals that it was coming…..it just showed up, unannounced - and definitely uninvited.
I didn’t give too much attention to it until I unexpectedly conceived my last child.
She was a pleasant surprise, however, and definitely the best thing that came out of that very tumultuous time.
So, this phantom period comes along, I get baby number three and then, BAM! It happened. The hormone ride from hell.
Having never had bona fide PMS, I can’t say I had much experience with what began to happen to me. But can I also use it as an excuse for my complete inability to cope?
I started having heavy periods. Like so heavy I couldn’t leave the house. Then it swung to the other side and I would simply spot for a couple of days. There was never any rhyme or reason to it and I couldn’t predict from month to month what would happen. I just had to hang on and cross that bridge when I got there. Then the crazy mood swings hit.
Now, when I say mood swings, I do not mean I was a little testy. I mean I was full throttle into MOOD SWINGS! One day I would wake up and I would be paralyzed with depression. I would cry uncontrollably over commercials. I could hardly get out of bed.
Then, that would pass and the wicked witch of the west would show up and I didn’t have any red shoes I could click to get home……..she hung around and tortured me. Or should I say, she hung around and I tortured my family?
My eyes would bulge out of my head, veins would pop out of my neck, I would scream and rant for days. Who was this woman and where did she come from?
And so it went, month after month. For years. Now, I suppose I could do a snappy, blog appropriate list of all the symptoms I had, but I won’t bore you with that. Suffice it to say, I had them all and you can find most of them here. My main desire at the moment is to encourage any of you that are now in the middle of, the beginning of, or like me, at the back side of this strange and curious time called “perimenopause”.
You are not going crazy and it is very real. So real in fact, that approximately 80% of women experience it in one form or another. Your hormones are rocking and rolling, trying to find a new place to settle down so that you can begin Volume II of your life. But, while that is happening there is great turbulence.
I can’t offer a cure-all for you. But I can encourage you and tell you that “this too shall pass”. Though I still get that dreaded visitor every month, the dips and turns that I went through for the first few years are not as deep and definitely not as extreme. For the most part, things have settled down for me and I’m waiting (though I can’t say patiently) for the ultimate “pause” to occur.
My dear cyber friend Eileen, over at “The Feisty side of Fifty” tells me to hang in there, that the best is coming. I can’t wait. I’m counting on it being a huge payoff for the pain I’ve had to endure for the past ten years. That is the way it works right? Pain and then the gain? Let’s hope so.
In the meantime, join me at The Perimenopause Blog a blog devoted solely to perimenopause!
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Brigette,
First of all, I’m so sorry that your family has been through some much stress with the hurricane. That is enough to stress any family out. My gosh, I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that has been for you. But then, if you add on top of it perimenopause, well, now you’re REALLY talking a natural disaster.
Listen, when I was in the worst of my symptoms in my mid to late forties, it almost caused divorce in my family too. It was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!! I did and said things to my kids that I still cannot believe today. I really can’t. I remember standing over my then 11 year old son and shaking my finger in his face and through gritted teeth I said…..”Don’t you FUCK with me!”
What did he do to deserve that crazy outburst? Oh, just act like a kid???? I can still see his face. His eyes got so big and he gasped and said…..”Mommy, that’s not very nice!”
Uh, yeah. Ya think???? It was then that I knew I was out of control and REALLY needed some help. I got to the nearest doctor and began my journey trying to cope with what was happening to me. I wish I could say that I found the perfect solution and all of my symptoms went away. But, alas, they did not.
I remember going into a depression once where I literally lay in the bed for a WEEK and cried until I could not cry anymore. My daughter would get in bed with me and stroke my head, bring me water and tissues and tell me she loved me. Once she said…….”Mommy, if you don’t stop crying you’re going to look old” My face was all swollen and puffy. I looked like a monstor I’m sure.
I tried, oh my, did I try, to explain to my husband what was happening. Look, he is a good guy. He’s a good husband. But, he just did NOT understand and he was absolutely no help to me at all. It was so difficult for me because I really needed him. I don’t know why certain men can’t cope with it Brigette, but some of them just can’t.
I try to see it from their point of view and I’m sure it’s scary to see your wife and mate go absolutely insane. But, like I’ve said millions of times now, nobody is choosing this madness! Who would get up one day and say….”You know, I think I want to be in a deep dark depression. Then, I think I want to rage like an out of control serial killer. Then? Umm, a few hot flashes and night sweats might be fun…….”
I mean, REALLY!! Who the heck would CHOOSE that???
Please come back often and dump your cares, your misery and your frustration. You have a safe haven here. No one thinks you’re crazy, weak or over-exaggerating. It’s real what you’re going through. And the good news is Brigette, it really will get better.
I would have never believed anyone who told me that 5 years ago. But now, at 52, I hardly have any symptoms at all except heavy periods. But, the crazy is all but gone and now I just have a few days where I would like to stomp a few folks in the ground. But other than that, I’m all normal.
If you want to get a good laugh, find the post Gopher Broke that I did a couple of weeks ago. It’s a good example of how nuts I still get.
Come back soon and come back often!
Brigette Dear,
I’m so sorry what had happened to your home and cant even imagined how you feel.
And on top of it – the PERI time. My husband does not understand it either and lately is very upset at what is happening to me. The more needy I was, the more upset he was. And he is the only one I talk to about it, as all my female friends seem not to have those challenging symptoms and all are “well”. There are days, when I don’t even go outside and sit or lay on my bed and feel really awful. For me every day is a surprise. It seems like everyone around me is feeling great and I am the only one who is miserable.
I used to be active and social and now I don’t even want to visit friends and don’t want to be around people either. I think many times when is it going to pass.
Since about three months, I have been going for acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs. I does help me but it is a very slow process, so improvement is sometimes not visible to people around, especially husbands or partners. But at least, I have more days, when I go outside and ride my bicycle – it;s better than walking. When I walk I feel many time out of balance or like I would fall, then I get very anxious and head home right away.
So Brigette, you are not alone, as you can see.
Love and Hugs to All Women here!
Anna
Anna,
Thanks for stopping back in. It is so difficult to go through perimenopause and feel alone. If you makes you feel any better, my husband was not very supportive either. I don’t believe it was because he didn’t love me or he didn’t care, it’s just that he didn’t understand what was happening and so didn’t know what to do.
Now, when I say he didn’t understand, it wasn’t that I didn’t tell him. I did. Every. Single. Month. For years.
He couldn’t relate to it as his own experience, and well, unfortunately, he just couldn’t find any compassion. He kept thinking I was mad at him. Well, I was, but it wasn’t because he had done anything wrong, it was my stupid hormones and I was mad at everybody.
I started into perimenopause at 41. At 45 I was REALLY in the thick of it. For about 3 years it was absolute, total hell. I am just about through it now and I don’t have all of the crazy swings, hot flashes, night sweats or insomnia.
I didn’t think it would ever end. But, eventually it did. So, keep doing what you’re doing and keep getting out of your house to walk and ride your bike. It really does help.
Then send your husband to this blog and The Perimenopause Blog at http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com. He’ll get some good information there and hopefully he’ll realize you’re not nuts. you’re just perimenopausal.
Magnolia,
you are the only person who makes me feel better (except my Chinese TCM doc and my wine) and I am crying now but these are tears of happiness not sadness. I know it;s going to pass but it’s so difficult sometimes.
Both my parents passed few years ago – I miss my Mom. On those days, when millions of thoughts are passing through my brain and I think I’m going crazy, I imagine my Mom and myself laying on the grass holding hands even though we’ve never had a good relationship and she rarely expressed her love toward me. It feels so good. For some time, I was mad at her and now I understand and am at peace with her.
As to husbands. I keep telling him every day and showed him your blog. He read it but did he understand? Well, he is upset because I go for acupuncture and drink all those herbs and there is no change (according to him) . However, I see a change. It’s not drastic but at least something.
I am so grateful for this blog. Sometimes I am afraid to write what I really would like to write, as I am still afraid of being judged.
This blog is actually the first one, I;ve joined – HURRAY!!!! It’s big step for me.
Love and Hugs to ALL
Anna
Oh, goodness girl, if I didn’t have my wine all those years, I wouldn’t have made it either!
I would hole up with my wine and some good movies. Boy, does that help. Sit in the middle of the bed with some junk food, a big glass of red wine and some silly girl movie. That is just HEAVEN!!
I really think we have to be especially nice to ourselves during perimenopause. It is beyond hard and so difficult to explain to anyone who is not going through it. Unfortunately, people can be judgemental and when a perimenopause woman is in the thick of it, sometimes people aren’t very compassionate.
Here’s a funny story: When I was in the worst of my symptoms, I remember getting so mad at my son that I began to hyperventilate. I got dizzy, I got nauseated and I really thought I was having a heart attack. It had been two months since I had a period and I was certain I was pregnant.
I called my doctor’s office and was blubbering all over the place in some kind of incoherent babble. Then I said to the nurse….”Now, I understand how mothers kill their children”
Ahem. There was a loooooooong judgmental silence on the other end of the phone and she answered me in a very short, curt tone of voice.
I wanted to explode and call her all kinds of names, but then, I realized that if I did that, she would REALLY think I was crazy. Not to mention, she might call CPS on me.
I just want you to know that you can come to this blog and say whatever you want any way you want to say it. We need a safe place to blow steam, vent our confused emotions and find someone who will support us and not judge us. That is and has always been my goal and desires for this blog.
So, your feelings are safe here and you can blubber incoherently all day long. No judgement here Anna. None.
BIG THANKS!
loved the story. I have two kids. My daughter is 27 and already lives on her own and my teenage son is 16 and lives with us, so you can imagine…. his raging hormones as well. But needless to say, I am not in habit of swearing in his presence, few times, however it slipped out.. and then I saw his face and heard his voice ‘Mom, it’s not nice, I don’t even swear at home’
As to my friend by the name of Wine, well, I developed a fondness for its taste some time ago, most likely when my perimenopause started, when I just couldn’t bear the anxiety and presently when I have this weird symptom that I would faint.
Despite the fact that most of the time I eat healthy, there are days when I just devour junk food. Feels sooo good.
Magnolia, congratulations on pursuing your dream being a music teacher!!!
LOVE TO ALL WOMEN
Anna
Yeah, I know what you mean about developing a taste for wine during perimenopause. Come to think of it, I think that’s when I actually started drinking MORE. Which brought to a place recently of thinking I’ve been drinking too much. Hmmm……I hadn’t really made that connection.
my husband snapped yesterday. We were coming from my acupuncture treatment and he said in a very angrily voice” I have enough – why can’t you drive there yourself?” “I have enough, waiting there for you every time for an hour”. Immediately and as usual, I felt sad and started crying and explaining myself, also telling him that I don’t feel comfortable driving. Why am I doing that? Why can’t I just not to react to it? I am so sensitive? Instead of enjoying the benefits of each treatment, which I have to use my pension savings for, he makes me feel miserable. I told him that acupuncture and herbs let me sleep better and through the night, don’t have nights sweats at all and my mental symptoms are better with acupuncture. Every time, he is upset, I feel worse. How can I stop it?
As to my friend wine, I haven’t had any since five days.
Yikes Anna. I wish I could give you the perfect answer to tell your husband. Nothing is worse when we feel fragile and needy and our husbands are impatient and unsympathetic. For me, I always felt so betrayed and unloved. But, we are wired to be senstitive creatures and when you add in our precarious hormonal condition it just gets worse.
My husband has cut me to the bone with his harness at times. I know he loves me and I know he is just frustrasted and that is how it comes out when he is – harsh.
Oftentimes, it seems that unless men have personal experience with something, it doesn’t seem real to them and therefore they can become very impatient and intolerant. I find this unfortunate, being a naturally compassionate and empathetic person, but it is a reality that we must come to terms with.
That may not be the case with your husband and I am not saying it is. It is just an observation I’ve made periodically with men.
But, can I ask you something? Are you and your husband “generally” able to talk and is he usually sensitive to you? In other words, do you normally have a loving and kind relationship?
Because, if you do, then it is easier to understand how your husband would become impatient with what is happening to you. Sometimes men get frustrated when they feel powerless. Do you think your husband feels powerless? Does he want to help you but sees that he can’t and so now he’s angry at the universe?
I know how sad it makes us women when our men are not the solid rocks we want them to be. It is the worst pain of betrayal and disappointment. But, God bless them, they are human too, you know?
They also process emotions so differently that we do Anna. I know it is difficult. I really do. I used to get so angry at my husband for being such a self-centered snot. I used to think…..”can’t you be there for me just once? Can’t you stop thinking about your wounded ego for just a time and help ME????”
Ironically enough, he was and many times I just couldn’t see it.
Is it possible you can talk to your husband about this at a less emotional time when he’s more receptive? It is possible to tell him how fragile you feel and how much you need his love and care more than ever?
I do not know what kind of relationship you have Anna. I just know that perimenopause doesn’t just affect us. It affects our spouses, our children, our co-workers, our friends. Frankly, anyone who comes in contact with us. It’s hard. But, it will get better. It really will.
I think I would try to put my wounded heart down and ask your husband if you can talk at a non-threatening time and try to explain it to him the best you can. Let him know you are trying the best you can and how much you really love him and need him.
Please feel free to continue to come here for support and place to empty your emotions. Sometimes just throwing it out there, getting it out helps. It’s like crying – except you’re using a keyboard.
P.S. Maybe the wine wouldn’t be such a great idea right now?
Thanks for this wonderful post Dear Magnolia,
we’ve hit some rough patches along the way and he has been fighting some demons, as everybody else. He also has difficulties to express his feelings due to his childhood experience. His parents didn’t have a good relationship. His dad, despite being a very nice person, had been an alcoholic.
It could be that he gets frustrated when feeling powerless. I remember him saying once, that he wants to help but doesn’t know how? so now he could be angry at the universe?
But this makes me wonder, why would he react this way after my acupuncture treatment?
We talked about what I am going through right now many times and he is aware of it. It makes him angry and upset that he has to do so many things for me, especially in the last few weeks, when I couldn’t do a lot around the house, as I really didn’t have any energy – on to of it, I had a flu.
I will try to put my wounded heart down and let him know that I am really trying the best I can and of course that I love him (although I am not sure if I do – at least not now) and I need him.
BTW, wine is not on the menu, rather a cup of green tea.
Magnolia, thanks again for being there for me, for all of us women!
I checked the Simply Music website. Looks good. Forty years ago, I had piano lessons but hated them – no wonder, I was a teenager then. About ten years ago, I started playing again, but we had to sell the piano when moving back to the city…..
Well, if you guys already have issues, then, without a doubt, perimenopause and it’s ups and downs will definately exacerbate things.
I wish I had a magic answer for you. I really do understand how hard it is when you want your spouse to understand, be caring and supportive and think about how YOU feel without constantly having to put themselves in the equation. I really, really do.
It’s very frustrating, painful and discouraging. You’re already exhausted, worn out and an emotional wreck, but then, add on top of it an unsympathetic spouse and you begin to feel that your entire world is crashing down – even God has forsaken you. I really understand that feeling.
At the moment, when you are in the middle of all of this, it seems like it will never end. It colors your entire world and everything you see – it’s so all consuming isn’t it? But, eventually the mood swings become less severe and the other symptoms begin to settle down too and it’s not as difficult to deal with. So, hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing to take care of yourself.
I hope you get a chance to talk with your husband and that he will give you a more tender and sympathetic ear.
Thanks Dear for encouraging and warm words.
it’s not easy at times. My hormones must have been playing a game yesterday morning, as I could not stop crying. The game was over by afternoon – Thank God! I did some restorative Yoga and it helped a little.
I talked to my husband in a polite voice, he listened and he said, he knew. I also decided not to share my downs with him – he just will not be compassionate – instead I will share my thoughts here.
It really seems that the entire world is crashing down and even God has forsaken me and then you feel so lonely…..
I am 47 years old and have been in perimenopause for 18 months. My periods are few and spaced out by 2 or 3 months. Besides terrible insomina for 6 months now I have hot flashes mostly at night. But…my main concern is the lack of sleep. I had insomina before this, now it is much worse. Also, for the 15 months I have been an emotional reck. My mother sometimes avoids me probably because of all the complaining and whining. Everything bothers me. I swear sometimes that someone has put a curse on me. I even went to a psychic to lift the curse. Of course, she said that there was no such thing as a curse. I feel crazy. I cry easily and get scared and anxious. This past 15 months has been back to back problems and I have been reacting to everything. I have a teenage daughter at home who is 15 and is getting independent, so I feel abandoned and not needed at times, although I know that’s normal for this age group. I have days when I feel out of control and days when I feel like I’m going to die or something. Then , I have a good day or two emotionally, and then back to crazy and anxious. I am prone to anxiety and depression, but this is different. I feel more out of control and hopeless. I am going to see someone about hormone therapy soon. I feel that alot of this stems from being unable to get much sleep. This is probably part of the reason. I feel much better knowing that other feel crazy at this time. I don’t feel so alone. Now, if I can just stop blaming this 15 months of bad events to being cursed, I might feel better. lol
Hello Weelock,
Yes, it’s perimenopause. It’s all perimenopause. Repeat after me: It’s perimenopause. It’s perimenopause. it’s perimenopause.
As far as the insomnia I can recommend a couple of things:
1. You can go to the doctor and ask for a sleep aid to get you through the roughest parts. Because, yes, the insomnia will take you to the verge of psychosis.
2. If you don’t want a prescription sleep aid, I take 2 Simply Sleep tablets (made by Tylenol PM) along with 4 Melatonin losenges and 2 5-HTP(5-hydroxytryptophan) and 1 L-Tryptophan tablets. You can get the Melatonin, 5-HTP and L-Tryptophan at any health food store.
It works. If you’re still standing after taking what I recommended in number 2? You’re one tough broad
Can I suggest you find your way over to my blog The Perimenopause Blog?
all of my posts there are devoted to topic. Come over and join in the conversation.
Thanks for stopping by.
Magnolia
This is my first time on this website. I think I started going through
perimenopause when I was 42. I started taking Estertone which helped a lot. I actually had a normal life until I turned 50. All of a sudden I feel so vulnerable and sometimes hopeless. My moods are swinging from day today. I do have a great partner who is understanding. I’m the one that is not understanding. I get so upset when I talk to my sister. Her life seems to go on so effortlessly and I’m not sure whats happening with me. I have a hard time driving with the anixety and feel guilty when my husband does errands that I use to do. I just started taking Amberen tonight for the first time.. I’m so sensitive to any medication. I can already feel the effects of this drug in not a good way. I hope I can find some relief soon.
Just venting!!!
Dawn
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