How’s that for a title? Not exactly clever or witty, but it’s the best I’ve got this morning. Some say, like Cherie, that I should write through this time.
I can see where this is beneficial, but, the problem lies in the fact that I don’t have anything particularly insightful or profound to say.
I just feel weird. That’s it. No fancy adjectives, no creative phrasing or great ponderings. Just weird. Mainly because I honestly don’t know if I belong there. I’ve said this at each of the three meetings I’ve attended so far. Each time, I could feel the quiet gaze of those who were thinking, “yeah, that’s what we thought when we first came too”
Am I in denial? I do not know. I just know it’s very difficult to go into the room and say, “Hi I’m Magnolia and I’m an alcoholic”
It’s easy for me to say, “I’m Magnolia and I have a drinking problem.” Or, “I’m Magnolia and I’m trying to figure this out”. But, I’m not ready to slap a label on myself that says I’m alcoholic.
Some of the hardliners might see me as one of those people they speak about in the beginning of the AA book - the person who will not totally surrender to the process. These people, supposedly, do not make it with AA and according to AA, these people have a bigger problem. Pride, I would suspect.
I’m certain I have my own good dose of pride. I know this because I can clearly see it in others. Funny how that works. Maybe it’s my pride. Maybe it’s my fear. Maybe it’s all of those feelings that have been jumbled up deep inside me that have driven me to drink them away, that is keeping me from saying those three words – I’m an alcoholic.
I don’t feel like an alcoholic. I feel like an addict. Maybe addict has become a more socially acceptable euphemism for uglier things. I mean, after all, who doesn’t admit to being addicted to something? Like their cell phone, or the Internet, or shopping, or anything else that is common to our society?
I do know that if I smoke a cigarette, I will smoke 3 packs of cigarettes. I do know that when I was a teenager, I was addicted to drugs. I do know I exhibit addictive behavior with my computer and Internet habits. I do know I have addictive tendencies across the board.
I may be the only person in the history of AA that gets kicked out. Because, I don’t know if I will ever say “I’m an alcoholic”. I’m not much on the serenity prayer either. That’s because I’m not much on clichés and platitudes. I’ve always seen the serenity prayer as both.
I also have a problem with group-think, being the rebellious-you-won’t-tell-me-what-to-think kind of person that I am. It’s way down on a gut level that I resist such a thing. It is why I’ve never been part of any club. I don’t like clubs. Clubs seem hokey to me. I do like people though and I am comfortable in group situations. I just don’t like the club mentality and I usually won’t ever join.
This issue might be the thing that keeps me away from Alcoholics Anonymous for the long term. I do not see myself surrendering to the club. I do see myself listening to these people discuss their lives and share their stories. I love a good story. I do like that the environment is honest and without pretense. If it comes from the heart, I will respond. I’ve seen some pretty heartfelt stuff in the last 48 hours and that might be the thing that keeps me coming back. If they don’t kick me out first.
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You see this? This post? This is what I’m talking about Mags. True, heartfelt, honest, brutally honest with a dose of funny (the kicking out part) thrown in because this is who you are. This is you. The Mags I have grown to love and whose writing I always enjoy.
You can’t bring yourself to say the “A” word but you’re attending the meetings. You can’t seem to say the “W” word either in describing yourself, but heck girl, you’re writing.
Maybe AA is helping after all.
Dearest Magnolia,
You never cease to amaze me with your honesty, your courage, and your heart. I’ve long been in awe of your talent as a writer. Now, however, this sense of awe goes even further. You are one amazing woman with talents and gifts far beyond the norm and the sensitivity to share your story openly and elegantly.
Whatever you choose to do about AA, I wish you well. I am inspired by you on many levels and know that you continue to touch many other lives with your words of both pain and hope.
Eileen,
I can’t begin to tell you how much these women (and a few men) that I’ve met in AA have shown me what honesty really is.
There were women of all stripes and persuasions there. I even joked they were “high class drunks” because almost all of them appeared to be very financially comfortable. It made me laugh and it made me immediately at ease.
But, more than that, were the stories they were telling with great humility and honesty. I was blown away.
It’s made me realize how much I’ve run away from my own honesty. To put down my defenses and just admit I’m having an “H” of a time with this booze was incredibly liberating.
It’s like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. Huge.
I should be packing right now…
I’m thinking that whether you are or aren’t technically an alcoholic…maybe that piece of the puzzle will come later. In the meantime, if it’s God who got you there…for whatever reason He might have…it could be helpful to see what he’s up to.
I know that pride thing. It’s one of my biggies. Not helpful at all in the spiritual scheme of things.
Good writing, Mags. It always cracks me up when you think you have nothing to say and then give us writing like this.
Thanks for the kudos Cherie. I’ll bask in the praise.
Yeah, pride. I don’t like to admit I have it. There’s your irony, huh?
I am very glad I took this step. I was speaking to a friend at my husband’s retirement party last night who reads my blog. She wasn’t aware of my decision and wanted to offer her support.
I told her that I planned to keep going until I figure this thing out. I am really having a hardtime calling myself an alcoholic. But, the good thing that has come out of it this is that it has forced a different mindset. This alone is the best thing that’s come out of it so far.
Just rattling my cage has helped me to step into a different space mentally. That is what I’ve needed and couldn’t seem to make happen.
My entire family is in shock. None of them saw this coming. Neither did I to tell you the truth.
I came out of 12months in Rehab a few weeks ago & have been searching for a means to enhance & expand my connection with other recovering addicts /alcoholics ,I am grateful to have found Spiritual River
Hello Desmond,
I just recently met Patrick (in an “online” kind of way
) myself. He has an excellent blog on recovery and sobriety.
I was quite impressed with the quality of his blog. 12 months is a long time in Rehab. It’s very obvious you take your recovery seriously. I know it’s cliche’, but the old adage “one day at a time” is really the way I’ve conquered anything. Sometimes, “one moment at a time”
Thanks for coming by this blog. Tell Patrick thanks for me too.
In reference to Desmond..i can relate to coming out of rehab,i have only just been out a couple of months after spending 14 months in treatment,it certainly isn’t easy however i am glad i also found spiritual river as i don’t feel so alone!!
Hello to you as well Nathalie,
I’ve never spent any time in rehab, so I can’t really speak to it with any authority. I *can* speak to addiction and drug/alcohol abuse though and I know it’s a tough thing to kick.
I was only ever to get on top of my addictive issues when I sought God with every ounce of conviction I could muster. I still firmly believe that God is able to free us from any bondage in our lives. Yet, sometimes we need an extra dose of help and that includes rehab for a lot of people.
I’m quite impressed with Patrick and the work he is doing. I’m not sure how I came upon his website, but we both share similar experiences and we both want to help other people.
I’m glad you found him too. One thing that addicts tend to do is isolate themselves. I would encourage you to continue to reach out to anyone and everyone that can help you stay sober and clean. Patrick can definately do that for you from what I’ve seen.
He’s a super guy and he definately “gets it”. That always helps.
Thanks for stopping by!
Magnolia,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My name is Jared and I am a grateful recovered alcoholic. It took a while for me to say I was an alcoholic… I mean I think I knew it for a long-time (which you hear a lot), but admitting it meant I was responsible, and if I’m responsible, I have to do something about it. I’m lazy, I don’t like doing much about anything most of the time.
I say grateful recovered alcoholic, for if it was not for my alcoholism, I would not have found the spiritual principles of the 12 steps of AA. The result of which has been a solution to far more problems then just drinking. Hell, I stopped drinking hundreds of times. Staying stopped and loving myself was where I fell short. But the thing was, I didn’t know how much I disliked myself until I worked the program of AA. An optimistic, energetic, fun-loving guy was I! But I came to realize that was on the outside, which I had confused with my insides.
They say (they being someone smarter than me) that there are two things an alcoholic does not like; the way things are, and change. Therein lies my dilemma. I finally surrendered to the possibility that maybe some of these people new something I didn’t. But it wasn’t until the pain of living the way I was living outweighed the fear of trying something different.
I hate clubs also, and group think. Mostly, I hated admitting I needed help. OK, maybe not admitting it, but the fear of asking for it nearly cost me my life. I think it was a control thing… but honestly, life got a lot easier when I gave up control. It became amazing actually! Funny how that works. Reminds me of a great line from James Allen’s, As A Man Thinketh, “Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” And, what I think, is what I am. The spiritual program of AA helped get my thinking straight.
AA is not for everyone, it’s certainly not for those who are not alcoholic. It’s not group therapy either, it’s about having a spiritual awakening. Period. And for me, that has been the only thing which has given me a chance at long-term sobriety, and so many other things. I simply had to stay committed to something long enough to believe in something greater than myself. And for a brilliant guy like myself, that takes a while.
Good luck to you. If I was there I would give you a big hug! And you know, no matter how many times I kicked myself out of AA, they always said “keep coming back.”
Hey Jared, Good Morning may even be in order, depending upon where you are on the globe.
Anyway.
Great post. thanks for taking the time to put it out there. I found myself nodding with a “yeah, I know what you mean” enthusiasm throughout.
I especially know what you mean about needing to get to the place that you were SICK OF YOUR MISERY more than you wanted to drink.
That frame of mind means a lot to me because about 27 years ago, I was locked into a battle with cigarette addiction. I so wanted to quit smoking, but for 10 years I couldn’t seem to shake it. I smoked, I didn’t smoke. I smoked, I didn’t smoke. I could never get past a few months without smoking and I hated myself for being so weak and succumbing to my addiction.
Eventually, my need to like myself became greater than my need to smoke and I was able to do it. I believe this mental frame of mind is at the root of any freedom from the clutches of ANY addiction.
Yes, there is a physical componant in some instances – alcohol addiction; nicotine addiction; drug addiction – but the bigger element is between the ears and what one believes and thinks about oneself. So many people fail to realize that and therefore fail to get free of the clutches of addiction.
I know the book of which you speak by James Allen. It is a wonderful little book chocked full of great wisdom. There is profound power in our minds and in what we think and believe. Harnessing that part of life enables us to stay free of addiction.
Anyway, I loved what you had to say here. Thanks for stopping over.
P.S. Jury is still out on whether I’m an alcoholic.
Dear Magnolia,
Just today I saw Patrick’s blog and subscribed (because it is an awesome blog!) and then I saw his latest post which brought me to your blog. I really enjoyed your post and I also enjoyed all the comments from your friends.
It is a very interesting question: Am I or am I not an alcoholic? I believe that the answer is always within the person asking the question. I think everyone would agree that no one can answer that for anyone and it would wrong to even try. And there is nothing worse than trying to fit yourself into an idea that is just not you. You seem to understand yourself on a level that many only wish for and I guess I just wanted to help by saying that no matter what ideas you come across in your search for the answer, continue to be true to yourself and don’t lose sight of what you believe to be true for you.
I look forward to hearing more from you as this journey continues.
Hello Sigal,
How nice of you to stop by and leave your kind comments. Yes, I agree, Patrick’s blog is amazing. I’m not sure if you saw it, but I also blogged about him a few days ago here. The name of the post is “Rolling Down the River”
Patrick is a very generous and kind man. He has been through hell and back with addiction and because of it, he wants to reach out and help others. From what I’ve seen at his blog, you should be able to find lots of support and help.
Now, am I an alcoholic? In all honesty, I don’t think I am. At least, not in the way I understand alcoholism. Not in the way I saw it manifested in my father’s life, my ex-husband’s life and my sister’s life. Not in the way I’ve seen it in people’s lives who call themselves alcoholic.
I began to up my drinking consumption about 3 years ago or so. I used to drink the occasional glass of wine and that was it. I never drank more than one glass in one sitting and I could go for months upon months and never even think about drinking.
I’ve never had a DUI. I’ve never lost a job or a family or damaged relationships whatsoever with drinking. In short, alcohol presented ZERO problems or issues in my life.
So, given my history and the fact that I began to drink 2 glasses of wine nearly nightly and sometimes more, I began to become very concerned with what I saw was an “alcohol abuse” problem beginning to emerge.
Because I have never had real issues with alcohol and could literally take it or leave it, it was really hard for me to wrap my mind around the notion that I am an alcoholic.
I believe I began to abuse alcohol and use it as an escape to avoid other issues that have been going on in my life.
As of yet, I am no worse, in fact, better than I was when I began to ask this question.
Alcohol is still not a major issues in my life, but it can quite easily become one. So, I guess I would classify myself as one who has begun to “abuse” alcohol.
Some would say my continual analysis of the situation signals a problem. They may be right. But, I tend to be a thinker by nature and that I would approach this problem in the same way I approach everything else does not seem significant to me.
I appreciate your admonition to stay true to myself. It is good advice. Always good advice.
I wish you well on your path also. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Good morning Magnolia,
Thank you for your reply to my comment. This is very cool. I just started blogging myself so I am learning how to interact and be part of this amazing community. There are subtle rules that I see I need to learn about and I am being careful to take note of what others are doing and suggesting. I learned a lot from your blog about sincerity in writing and Patrick did a similar blog on his site which was very helpful. I can definitely see as a reader, that I much more enjoy sincere blogs than those that are just written for the sake of being written.
I checked out your blog about Patrick’s blog that you mentioned in your reply to my comment. Very nice! Very helpful.
I thought of a couple of things that might be more food for thought on the issue of “am I or am I not an alcoholic.” I read it once that addiction is not a destination, but the whole road. I can see that. When do you know you’ve crossed the threshhold? I guess it could be considered that the first step on the road is one more step closer to your final destination.
Personally, I’ve noticed that a person that regularly uses drugs or alcohol could develop a blind spot. In other words, their ability to evaluate and estimate their own condition is diminished. It’s more obvious in the case where the person is living in terrible conditions or is in a really bad relationship, but they truly think “it’s not that bad.” But that blind spot can be there on a lesser scale as well and it can be really subtle.
You mentioned in your comment above issues that were bothering you that the alcohol was helping you avoid. Now to me is the heart of the matter. It’s like pulling on a ball of yarn and seeing how it unravels. You are a really good thinker and you definitely have an unusually sharp sense of who and what you are. Maybe by pulling on the string you might find out some really very deep and interesting things that go beyond the surface problem of drug addiction.
Hello Again Sigal,
Yes, the blogging community is a great one to be a part of. I was sharing with my son yesterday that the Internet and the blogging world in particular is an interesting place. Like everything, there is the potential for ill-will and sometimes evil intent. For a fact, there are some blogs out there and a network of bloggers that I want nothing to do with. They are harsh, mean-spirited and unkind. Though I can sling plenty of sarcastic and caustic attitudes myself, to make it a standard operating procedure just isn’t me. I prefer comaraderie and friendship over building a readership by seeing how hateful you can be.
I stopped over to your blog yesterday. I was surprised that you said you had just begun blogging because your blog looks very, very nice. Very well put together. Not to mention, Like Patrick and others, you are serving a much needed market.
I’m still baffled with my own issues to be honest. That I can’t say…”I’m an alcoholic” may to some, seem like a cop-out and that I’m not being honest with myself. But, after living nearly 53 years, I’ve learned that I can’t let what others think I ought to be doing or how they evaluate my life become my own standard and measure of what is right or wrong in my life.
So, for now, the question of whether I really am alcoholic or not remains unanswered for me. I am very bothered that I would turn to alcohol to keep from feeling or thinking something I don’t want to feel or think. But, when I consider my life in it’s totality, the label alcoholic just doesn’t fit. I guess you could say that for now, I’m on heightened alert and I’m paying serious attention to this issue and what it might signal in my life.
Thanks again for coming by my blog and welcome to the blogging world. At the very least, it’s a great hobby to have. And you might be able pick up a few dollars along the way. That’s pretty cool.
Dear Magnolia,
I am 100% in agreement with you on not wearing a shoe that does not fit. Absolutely, you should always be true to yourself, always! I cannot think of a more important attribute.
If you would like, I have a booklet in PDF that I can email to you regarding the mechanics of addiction. It may or may not help you resolve the question of “Am I or am I not”. Personally, I would suggest that you see how you might resolve the issues that are actually bothering you. But in order to successfully do that, I would recommend you don’t drink alcohol while you are trying to resolve those issues because the alcohol would distort your perceptions which would make it more difficult to find the true answers.
I really appreciate your comment about my blog. Coming from you, I consider it a very hight complement. My husband really pushed me to start it and when I told him what you said, he had that smug, I told you so, look on his face.
I subscribed to your blog so I hope to hear more about your adventures!
My best,
Sigal
Good Morning Sigal,
I appreciate the offer for the E-book, but I have so many others sitting on my desk top and hard drive that I’ve not gotten to, I’m certain that yours would sit there indefinately as well. I just don’t have much extra time to do any other reading. Having dealt with serious drug addiction as a young person, I am very acquainted with addicition and how it works. I was steeped in it and it nearly killed me. Believe me when I tell you, my alcohol consumption is not anywhere NEAR that point.
I can go days and days and days and not even THINK about having a drink. Then, when it crosses my mind, I am very able to dismiss it without much of a fight.
I’ve determined that what I’m doing is avoiding some very, very painful issues in my life right now. I am very clear about that and also realize that if I ‘continue’ to use alcohol (which I’m not actively doing) to avoid these matters that I could find myself with TWO very serious problems – unresolved personal issues and a drinking problem to boot.
I agree, that in order to deal with these issues I must abstain from alcohol. You are absolutely correct that drinking will only make it more difficult to deal with them and face them.
My adult life has been one of self-awareness and a drive to keep my emotional/mental house clean. I believe that this tendency of mine is what has kept me from alcohol & drug abuse. That is, I’m not a denier and avoider when it comes to facing up to emotional issues.
I have seen most, if not all, alcoholics and drug addicts being masters at denial and blame shifting. I am not that kind of a person. Most alcoholics I have known never engaged in any kind of discussion with themselves about their substance abuse. They did not believe they had a problem with it. Everybody else had problems, but they didn’t.
I am just not that person.
Anyway. Thanks for subscribing to my blog. I am very happy to have met Patrick and been able to interact with some new people because of it. I will definately keep up with your blog. You are doing a very good job.
Thanks again for dropping by this morning.
My pleasure Magnolia! I really admire your ability to take a look at yourself and your ability to be true to who you are. I am really glad to have met you. I learned from our conversation and I know it will help me do better at helping others.
Sigal
Ditto Sigal,
I’ll be seeing your around again, I’m sure.
You inspired me today, Magnolia! I hope you saw my new post.
Yes, Sigal, I did see that. I received a trackback on the post. Thanks for the shout-out.